another random post

It still aching but I'm doing well.
I'm taking my time to heal and in that time, I realise how much I love my best friend. Yes, best friend. A best friend isn't defined by how long you guys had been a friend. But, it was defined by their presence either when you're happy or sad. A best friend will always know when your heart aches or when your heart blooms brightly.

Sometimes, they didn't show you that they care. Luna didn't show me that she cares about me but lately, I realise that she actually cares. Luna not like other people. Luna is bad in responding your stories. You may think that she is heartless but actually, she was thinking the best thing she can say to you, to comfort you. It took a long time for her to think but what she says will never disappoint you. She always been the cure to every pain that I suffered. Even though we're not sticking around together at school but our heart always sticks together. And there's not a day I didn't thank God for her existence.

There's also a friend who will always know when your tears are about to fall. Just like Kate. Kate always knows when I held my tears. She would come to me and said "I feel like hugging you" and the warm hugs she gave, made the tears fell so easily. She eases my pain by telling me that it is okay to cry. That it is okay to get hurt. That rainbow will always come after the rain. She made me feel loved when I thought that the world hates me. Sometimes, when she's not here with me, I feel incomplete. Because she's one of the reasons why I keep going with this life. And I always wish to not lose her.

And when the whole world didn't notice the pain you carried there will always be one friend who will notice that. No matter how hard you try to hide it from the world, from her, she will always know. And her favourite phrase will be "How are you? Tell me what's wrong". With Jane, I can never hide my weakness because she knows. She always knows my capable of enduring something. She would tell me that I'm doing just fine and she is proud of me. She won't feed me with pretty lies so the words she gave will always hurt me sometimes, but I know, she speaks the truth.

And also sometimes, they don't know how to react when you tell them something but they will always support you from your back and will always be there for you. Anne. She fancy eating an ice cream together with me to ease the pressure I feel. She would hug me and force me to eat when she notices I'm not in a good condition. Anne will always be there for me. Always stay. And sometimes I found myself missing her when we're not sticking together.

Other than my parents, these people are also the reasons why I keep going. Right now, whenever my heart aches, their face popped out and I can feel their supports. Thank you, people, for always be there for me. Thank you for your existence. I am beyond grateful to have you guys in my life. I couldn't ask for more. Let's achieve what we should achieve and God please, don't let them leave and please, grant them happiness as they deserve it :-)

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Remorse.

If the blog can insert a heartbreak emoji, I'll insert it.


Do you ever feel that your heart filled with remorse? And there is nothing you can do about it except telling yourself to calm down and be positive? Because, same.
My heart aches and filled with remorse.

As my previous post said, I've been living with ego for so long, I couldn't remember how to control it. And because of that, I did some mistakes that maybe cannot be fixed. I hurt the person I love so bad. And he's leaving :-)

You know how it feels so, I won't tell you how I'm doing right now. Just for tonight, I'll tell you how much I regret doing those things.

I know Zach has been patient with me. With the mental illness, till the thunder and hurricane moods that he needs to deal with. I am beyond sorry for that. There's no point telling you why I suffered from that illness. Because I know, I should get better and I shouldn't punish him by sending hurricane in his life. Zach is not the reason why I suffered from that illness but why he's the one to blame? Yes, that question occurs in my mind too. I am sorry Zach.

Maybe I thought that I owned the "forever" but little did I know that "forever" isn't mine. I only realise that after I sense the changes in you, Zach. It hurt me for noticing it too late. I am in pain. And I forgot that you are too. How selfish I can be?
If I could turn back in time, I'll take care of your heart gently. I'll ask you whether you are okay or not. I won't let you in pain but..... what's the point now? It's too late.

I should have put some faith in you. Those days when I overthink, I should trust you. I should overcome my mental illness. What is a relationship without faith, right?  I also should lower down my ego as I know it kills. I thought you can manage my ego but I forgot that you are a human too. And you have feelings just like I have. I should encourage us to communicate more. To settled things nicely. To not let anger conquer the bad situation. I should tell you how much you mean to me so that you won't define my indirect tweets nor posts on blog wrongly. I should know when you're not okay and be there for you. I should have done all the things I should have done when the flower is still fresh and bloom brightly. But it all doesn't make sense now. The decision has been made.

Maybe there's another reason but I still blame myself because who knows these might be one of the reasons too? :-)
To forget you won't be an easy task for me. Despite that, I won't disturb you and your life. I'll be watching you from far and won't come near you. Thank you for carving a new me and change my bad personality into good. Allah knows what's the best and I trust His plans. I will always pray good things for you and I hope you did the same.

Claire.

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Zach,

Claire loves you.

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Just a random thought--

There's one night on Eid, my best friend gave me this quote;

I was red,

You were blue,

Every time I was with you,

You made me feel like a purple lilac,

But then,

You told me you hate purple.

Enduring the pain isn't easy. Especially, when you know you're not that important to someone life anymore. Your mind must be in chaos. Thinking what have you done. When did things go wrong, and why suddenly you're not that important person in their life anymore.
There's must be a reason.
Yes, absolutely. But what's the reason?
:-)
Sometimes, you struggled to be the best for them but they won't know that so they don't take it seriously. Sometimes, you'd put an amount of effort to understand what they want but still, you cannot fulfil their desires. Life can be unfair sometimes but you gotta face it anyway.
Make thing simple for others. If you wanted an apple, tell them to get you and apple. Don't feed them with pretty lies because soon, it'll kill. You may not feel the pain they carried but they feel the stings. But, before you decided to make actions, think twice. Make sure you won't regret any of it.
Make your life better and sweet because life is too short to be bitter.

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Ego-

Some said that ego is a medium for them to be strong. But, some said that ego is selfish.
Which one was it?

I am an egomaniac. I built up my ego as high as the Burj Khalifa Tower. Well, not really like it. It's a hyperbole. So, why did I built my ego so high?
Because I thought, ego will make me feel better. Ego made me looks strong. Even though I am broke inside. I am sure that everyone has their own pain to deal with. Everyone has their own bad days to get through. And so do I.

I've been through a lot of pain. People's experiences are different right? Maybe it's a lesson for me to prepare myself for the unpredictable future. So that when the world knocks me down one day, I won't be this sad and depressed. My freshman year wasn't really nice. Suffering from depression and mentally tortured. Well yeah. I remember that 4 or maybe 5 days before my big exam, there's a bunch of "cool kids" came to my desk and tortured my mind like it's not a big deal to me. The memory is still vivid and I remember those harsh words they have thrown to me. It still clear as a sea water in my head. And it carved a scar inside me and I decided to build a wall around me so that I can protect myself next time. And I did.
So in my sophomore year, I chose my friend carefully. I am scared of almost everyone. And I did well. Oh, not really. I was deceived. And yeah, I got another scar and the "ego" tower went higher. It made me strong. It made me survived.

Even now, I live safe and sound surrounded by the tower that I built. But,

Little did I know that this ego really kills and it sometimes cut deeper than I thought. I could lose the person I love. Living with ego made me feel afraid to admit what I've done wrong and what I really feel about something. Living with ego made me look like a heartless person. Living with ego made me feel safe but I hurt people.
I'm sorry love, I wanted to secure myself yet I'm walking on the thin ice. Pull me closer to you, pull me to the safe ground. Correct me, guide me. I've been living with ego for so long I don't know how to be like you. I'm sorry.

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Entering and Leaving

So here's the thing; you don't enter into someone's life like you enter the toilet. Means? Yeah, you enter the toilet because you are having stomach ache and you need to use the toilet. It's like you enter their life just to get some help. Or... just because you don't want to lose them, so you pretended to care when actually you don't.

Sometimes, you may not realise that the actions you've made can cause a heart break to someone. But also sometimes, the actions you've made can open their way to happiness. Even the tiny little shit can affect someone's life. Yeah, it may be simple for you but not for them. Well, little things does count.

People frequently ask for being loved. It is nice to know that you are loved. Means, there's someone who care about you. But when you got one, did you treat them nicely? Are you grateful to have them? You just want an attention, not love. It's rude. Because when one has loved you, it'll leave a scar in their heart because at the moment you left or ignore them, it cuts. Really deep though.
You know, to endure the pain isn't easy. It takes braveness to walk in front of you, it takes confidence to face you if you accidentally meet them in the hallway when the bell rung. Well, it's like facing someone that you've done wrong when actually you don't. They'll keep asking themselves when did they go wrong? What happened? Why you're acting that way? And the answer to all of their questions is; I'm the one to be blame. Yeah that's right, they'll blame themselves. It will give them a mental tortured and you should know how bad you are in this situation if they started to think like that. Because why? Because sometimes, it'll lead to depression.

You should know that maybe, just maybe that the person you left hanging is the one who held their tears, just to see you happy. The one who needed love and attention more than you need. The one who always sacrifice and never give themselves a chance. The one who always fine on the outside but inside, it's like a mess. They won't show you this part of their life. They don't want you to worry. Or maybe, they were just afraid of what response would they hear.
People are different from other people. Maybe you can endure the pain of failing a test but maybe they don't.

And that's why my mum said "don't do things you don't want people do to you towards others". But, we don't have the same mind so we, ourselves also need to be tough and solid. Hard times make you a better person. Au revoir!

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New year?

It's new year!! (well, not really)

So, it has been a long long longgg time I didn't update anything to this blog. seems like time didn't give us chance to tell stories. Let me tell you a lil bit of my life in this year.

Well, 2017 is quite a tough year for me as I have to struggle more than I did in the past year because I'll be facing a war. A mental war (SPM!!). 2017 also a nice year so far. I got a lot of birthday cards and presents this year and I am so over the moon. You should see how I smile that day. And and, someone did a surprise for me and I swear it's the first surprise I had in the entire of my life! Thank you lads!
My basketball team won the third place in mssd and we broke the school's record! Also, we manage to get into the quarter final during hksbp basketball. These were the best record for basketball that my school had. My team was the first team that made the journey of Sains Banting's basketball team this far. I'm hoping that the new captain will keep on track and achieve more glory next time!
Not to forget, I am one of the helpful qm for the grand event in sbp which is the Bahas Piala Perdana Menteri alias, Hari Kecemerlangan Sekolah Berasrama Penuh. It was a hectic week! I swear to god it was tiring but it is a moment that need to be remembered. It was a great experience. Handling big events aren't easy and thank god, I've been given the opportunity to be one of the crew that made the event went well. There's more to tell but yeah, have to go. Toodles!

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"so many things tangled in my head,
craving to be hear but tears are shed.

because the mouth can't arrange it into words,
afraid that people might think it's absurd.

so it is kept in this solitary mind,
which will make people think i'm the selfish kind"

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it's ironic when i can spread positive vibes to people, telling them to be strong, to love life because life is fun, but then, i'm the one who actually broke.


like really broke.
i'm shattered.


i don't know how long i have to carry this pain. how long i have to pretending that i'm fine. i don't know. i'm giving up. with life, with people around me.
sometimes, i wanted someone to be there for me. to lend their shoulder, to be a listener.... or a supporter.
someone who can tell me that i'm doing something wrong and that i should not let emotions override my rationality. someone who will not let me immersed in my dark emotions.
sometimes i'm desperately need that person. but there's no one.

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your words cut deeper than a knife. don't you remember that i have feelings too?

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"when life gives you lemon, make lemonade."

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