Do you ever feel that your heart filled with remorse? And there is nothing you can do about it except telling yourself to calm down and be positive? Because, same.
My heart aches and filled with remorse.
As my previous post said, I've been living with ego for so long, I couldn't remember how to control it. And because of that, I did some mistakes that maybe cannot be fixed. I hurt the person I love so bad. And he's leaving :-)
You know how it feels so, I won't tell you how I'm doing right now. Just for tonight, I'll tell you how much I regret doing those things.
I know Zach has been patient with me. With the mental illness, till the thunder and hurricane moods that he needs to deal with. I am beyond sorry for that. There's no point telling you why I suffered from that illness. Because I know, I should get better and I shouldn't punish him by sending hurricane in his life. Zach is not the reason why I suffered from that illness but why he's the one to blame? Yes, that question occurs in my mind too. I am sorry Zach.
Maybe I thought that I owned the "forever" but little did I know that "forever" isn't mine. I only realise that after I sense the changes in you, Zach. It hurt me for noticing it too late. I am in pain. And I forgot that you are too. How selfish I can be?
If I could turn back in time, I'll take care of your heart gently. I'll ask you whether you are okay or not. I won't let you in pain but..... what's the point now? It's too late.
I should have put some faith in you. Those days when I overthink, I should trust you. I should overcome my mental illness. What is a relationship without faith, right? I also should lower down my ego as I know it kills. I thought you can manage my ego but I forgot that you are a human too. And you have feelings just like I have. I should encourage us to communicate more. To settled things nicely. To not let anger conquer the bad situation. I should tell you how much you mean to me so that you won't define my indirect tweets nor posts on blog wrongly. I should know when you're not okay and be there for you. I should have done all the things I should have done when the flower is still fresh and bloom brightly. But it all doesn't make sense now. The decision has been made.
Maybe there's another reason but I still blame myself because who knows these might be one of the reasons too? :-)
To forget you won't be an easy task for me. Despite that, I won't disturb you and your life. I'll be watching you from far and won't come near you. Thank you for carving a new me and change my bad personality into good. Allah knows what's the best and I trust His plans. I will always pray good things for you and I hope you did the same.
Claire.
