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It still aching but I'm doing well.
I'm taking my time to heal and in that time, I realise how much I love my best friend. Yes, best friend. A best friend isn't defined by how long you guys had been a friend. But, it was defined by their presence either when you're happy or sad. A best friend will always know when your heart aches or when your heart blooms brightly.

Sometimes, they didn't show you that they care. Luna didn't show me that she cares about me but lately, I realise that she actually cares. Luna not like other people. Luna is bad in responding your stories. You may think that she is heartless but actually, she was thinking the best thing she can say to you, to comfort you. It took a long time for her to think but what she says will never disappoint you. She always been the cure to every pain that I suffered. Even though we're not sticking around together at school but our heart always sticks together. And there's not a day I didn't thank God for her existence.

There's also a friend who will always know when your tears are about to fall. Just like Kate. Kate always knows when I held my tears. She would come to me and said "I feel like hugging you" and the warm hugs she gave, made the tears fell so easily. She eases my pain by telling me that it is okay to cry. That it is okay to get hurt. That rainbow will always come after the rain. She made me feel loved when I thought that the world hates me. Sometimes, when she's not here with me, I feel incomplete. Because she's one of the reasons why I keep going with this life. And I always wish to not lose her.

And when the whole world didn't notice the pain you carried there will always be one friend who will notice that. No matter how hard you try to hide it from the world, from her, she will always know. And her favourite phrase will be "How are you? Tell me what's wrong". With Jane, I can never hide my weakness because she knows. She always knows my capable of enduring something. She would tell me that I'm doing just fine and she is proud of me. She won't feed me with pretty lies so the words she gave will always hurt me sometimes, but I know, she speaks the truth.

And also sometimes, they don't know how to react when you tell them something but they will always support you from your back and will always be there for you. Anne. She fancy eating an ice cream together with me to ease the pressure I feel. She would hug me and force me to eat when she notices I'm not in a good condition. Anne will always be there for me. Always stay. And sometimes I found myself missing her when we're not sticking together.

Other than my parents, these people are also the reasons why I keep going. Right now, whenever my heart aches, their face popped out and I can feel their supports. Thank you, people, for always be there for me. Thank you for your existence. I am beyond grateful to have you guys in my life. I couldn't ask for more. Let's achieve what we should achieve and God please, don't let them leave and please, grant them happiness as they deserve it :-)

If the blog can insert a heartbreak emoji, I'll insert it.


Do you ever feel that your heart filled with remorse? And there is nothing you can do about it except telling yourself to calm down and be positive? Because, same.
My heart aches and filled with remorse.

As my previous post said, I've been living with ego for so long, I couldn't remember how to control it. And because of that, I did some mistakes that maybe cannot be fixed. I hurt the person I love so bad. And he's leaving :-)

You know how it feels so, I won't tell you how I'm doing right now. Just for tonight, I'll tell you how much I regret doing those things.

I know Zach has been patient with me. With the mental illness, till the thunder and hurricane moods that he needs to deal with. I am beyond sorry for that. There's no point telling you why I suffered from that illness. Because I know, I should get better and I shouldn't punish him by sending hurricane in his life. Zach is not the reason why I suffered from that illness but why he's the one to blame? Yes, that question occurs in my mind too. I am sorry Zach.

Maybe I thought that I owned the "forever" but little did I know that "forever" isn't mine. I only realise that after I sense the changes in you, Zach. It hurt me for noticing it too late. I am in pain. And I forgot that you are too. How selfish I can be?
If I could turn back in time, I'll take care of your heart gently. I'll ask you whether you are okay or not. I won't let you in pain but..... what's the point now? It's too late.

I should have put some faith in you. Those days when I overthink, I should trust you. I should overcome my mental illness. What is a relationship without faith, right?  I also should lower down my ego as I know it kills. I thought you can manage my ego but I forgot that you are a human too. And you have feelings just like I have. I should encourage us to communicate more. To settled things nicely. To not let anger conquer the bad situation. I should tell you how much you mean to me so that you won't define my indirect tweets nor posts on blog wrongly. I should know when you're not okay and be there for you. I should have done all the things I should have done when the flower is still fresh and bloom brightly. But it all doesn't make sense now. The decision has been made.

Maybe there's another reason but I still blame myself because who knows these might be one of the reasons too? :-)
To forget you won't be an easy task for me. Despite that, I won't disturb you and your life. I'll be watching you from far and won't come near you. Thank you for carving a new me and change my bad personality into good. Allah knows what's the best and I trust His plans. I will always pray good things for you and I hope you did the same.



Claire.
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